5 Things to do (or not do) When You Experience a Miscarriage

On August 27, 2015, I was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I started having painful cramps. I called my doctor and within hours I was in their office having an ultrasound. “It appears to be a burst cyst. Your baby is fine. You may have some bleeding, but that’s normal.” The ultrasound technician told me. 

Everything was and continued to be fine throughout the whole pregnancy. I delivered a healthy baby boy right on time, 8 months later. 

Fast forward to February 10, 2020. My husband and I had desired to have another child for almost three long years but circumstances prevented us from trying. I was finally 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant with what we planned as our second and last child. I started experiencing some light cramps and bleeding. I called my doctor, but they couldn’t see me. (They are no longer by OBGYN now btw) My husband began calling around to every OBGYN in the area until he found one that could see me that day. A few hours later I was in their office, getting an all-too-familiar ultrasound. I was so excited I would get to see my baby early on an ultrasound, with the least concern anything could be wrong. But something was very wrong. 

Let me start by saying that this message is not for everyone. Some may get on board with what I’m saying, and some may not. That’s ok. I’m not trying to push my beliefs on anyone. They are just sitting here in cyber space hoping you allow yourself to be open to the possibility that you can receive forgiveness, healing, and your miscarriage can be redeemed. Sympathy-seekers that desire to remain a victim instead of changing into a victorious warrior won't receive this. If you want to be a victorious warrior and have a healthy pregnancy and baby, then read on...

Don’t blame yourself. Most miscarriages occur for reasons you have no control over. It’s often difficult to pinpoint the exact cause. Adding self-blame isn’t going to help how you feel, or prevent you from having a miscarriage in the future, so just don’t go there. 

Rest in the fact that you are not alone. A miscarriage is defined as a spontaneous loss of pregnancy before the 20th week. Most miscarriages occur before the 12th week. As many as one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage. While some women may not even be aware they miscarry since they can miscarry before their next expected period, if you ask around in your circle of women, many would admit to having experienced one. For me, it helped to talk with my friend, that I learned had experienced a miscarriage, too. We shared how we felt, both admitted to self-blame, she corrected my misconceptions, and encouraged me. 

Don’t throw a pitty party In the words of one of my all-time favorite motivational speakers, Pastor Perry Noble, “It’s ok to not be okay, but it’s not okay to stay that way.” Psalm 30 says, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication: What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust give You thanks? Will it declare Your truth? Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; Lord, be my helper. For you have turned my mourning into dancing.” Many times men don’t understand the trauma of a miscarriage the way a woman experiences it. To a woman, that baby was real and alive from conception. It was growing inside of her. But often times to a man, it’s not a reality yet. While grieving is normal, be careful not to idolize your baby’s death. Don’t fall into a pit of despair. Once you get in that pit, it can be so hard to get out. Catch yourself before it’s too late. Reach out to friends, family, and counselors. Get some help in your grief. Don’t let it overtake you. 

Acknowledge that it can happen again, but also that it doesn’t have to. You don’t find “miscarriage” or “abortion” in the Bible. It never was or will never be the will of God for you to lose your baby. God wants you and your baby healthy, whole, and prosperous physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially. From the moment of conception, gender, hair color, eye color, and other attributes are immediately determined. Even though it was small and only alive for a short time, it was known and loved by God. God doesn’t just see “fetuses.” He saw the men and women they would become. He has a destiny and purpose for each and every life. (Jeremiah 1:5, Isaiah 44:2, Psalm 139:13, Galatians 1:5) Unfortunately life happens, and things don’t always go as planned. The enemy seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. (John 10:10) And if we don’t stand our scriptural ground, he’ll take every opportunity to do so, again and again. Jesus came so we could have life, and have it abundantly. You can’t believe the word of God and believe it’s God's will to take a life prematurely. It’s his will for everyone to live a long life. (Psalm 91:16, Deuteronomy 5:33, Exodus 23:25-26, Proverbs 10:27) Medical science can be helpful in diagnosing problems, weighing consequences, and sometimes even providing solutions. However, consider that they are not the final authority. God says we can have children without the help of medication, surgery, or adoption. (Not that any of those choices are bad. They are the answer for a lot of people and that’s great!) God will meet you at your level of faith- whatever that level is. And you can have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Psalm 113:9 says, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children.” When you conceive again, if fears of miscarriage enter your thoughts, stop them immediately. Choose not to meditate on negativity. This was a challenge for me, but I overcame it, and you can too. 

Decide that you want a full-term healthy pregnancy and baby and believe for that. The mind-body connection is so powerful. There is so much science (as well as scripture) on it and also how thoughts and words impact our bodies in a positive or negative way. God designed our bodies this way on purpose with a purpose and he tells us in his Word to fix our thoughts on things that are lovely, excellent, and of good report (Philippians 4:8), commands us not to worry (2 Timothy 1:7, Isaiah 41:10, Joshua 1:8) and to speak out loud what we want, believing for it. (Mark 11:22-23, Romans 4:17, Matthew 21:21-22) For the best brain-science book ever written, pick up Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book, Who Switched Off My Brain. You can get it on amazon by clicking here Speak life over your body and future child. Believe for, and accept nothing less than God’s best. Get "death" words out of your mouth and replace them with words of life. Call those things which are not as though they are! (Romans 4:17) For some words of affirmation you can start using today, click here: Speak Life

That day in the doctor’s office, they didn’t see any sign of a life on the ultrasound. They took my blood that Monday, and again on Thursday to see if my hCG levels, the hormone produced by the placenta after implantation, had risen or fallen. The number was supposed to double every day. The number had fallen. “I had a miscarriage,” was three words I couldn’t come to terms with admitting. 

People often fight for the right to suffer. The Word says you can do things God’s way or you can choose to do them your own way. You can be sick, or barren, or live in pain, and God will still love you. Every woman in the Bible that was once defined as barren eventually conceived and had a child or children. I encourage you to read the book, Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize, (click here to order on Amazon) study the scriptures, and decide what you choose to accept for yourself. God will meet you where you are. But why not choose to live life abundantly and take all God has for you?

For more inspiration and encouragement, you can read my supernatural childbirth story here: Read here